Call 911!

This evening I had another one of those experiences that leaves you with a big pit in your stomach. The boys and I needed to go to the store to get some supplies for a school project for M (yes, I was feeling ambitious today). We did our shopping with Kaidence in the stroller like always. Now Kaidence has been sick with a runny nose, cough and last Saturday night her ear drum burst. So this whole week, before I can feed her or give her medications I have to get her up and pound on her back for a while to move along the mucous. If I don't she ends up gagging and throwing up. She has never been able to tolerate thick secretions since her long stay in the PICU of being intubated. I heard Kaidence doing the cough she does just before vomiting so I turned and took her out of her stroller to pound on her back knowing that it will keep her from puking. As I picked her up, Kaidence completely stopped breathing and her whole face was turning blue VERY fast. I did the Heimlich but then felt that I just needed to lay her over my knee and do back blows ( I remembered the video I watched in high school when I became a First Responder). I was doing this as I ran down the aisle yelling for help. A lady next to me could see how Kaidence was blue, gray and her eyes had the scariest look in them and she started yelling through Dicks Market to call 911. By this time I was surrounded by people shouting to see if anyone was a doctor and I was trying to yell over eveyrone and tell the guy on the phone with 911 to tell them that she has had a heart transplant and that she was 2 years old. This whole time C is shinning a flashlight in my eyes asking me if we can buy it and them a minute later he brings me some candy and asks me again if I will but it for him. Needless to say he was ignored!!!

Someone finally took the boys from me, Kaidence was looking so much worse and still not breathing. I kept praying to myself but was thinking,

Why isn't she breathing??

'she is going to die, she is dying.'

'Where is the ambulance??????'

I kept doing the back blows while thinking 'we have come this far and this is how it is ending?'

At last Kaidence started to cry and so I knew that I had finally cleared whatever was blocking her airway. We told the 911 operator that Kaidence was breathing again and they stayed on the line for a minute and I told them that I thought that she would be ok. But Kaidence's color was not coming back quickly and about 3-5 minutes after she started breathing again she still looked very blue, so the store manager called 911 again. After being on the phone with the operator for a few minutes the second time, Kaidence pinked up and wanted a balloon to play with. I told the operator that she was looking much better and that I was driving her right over to her pediatrician's office just down the street (they have a night clinic and they are connected to the hospital as well if that was needed) . We got the boys in the car and said a prayer of thanks and drove to the doctors. Kaidence was looking so much better by now but her O2 was still a little low but after some time came back up to her normal. The doctor seems to think that it is all related to Kaidence's cold. We are taking her in on Friday to have chest x-rays done to see if she aspirated anything into her lungs that would cause pneumonia.

A couple of years ago my M choked on a lego. I went to do the Heimlich but I froze and drug him into the garage where Mike was instead. After Mike did a couple of thrust the Lego came up, but when M choked he never turned colors. Since that experience I have always thought about what I would do if it ever happened again, because I was so angry with myself knowing that I froze and that by the time you call 911, a lot of damage can already be done from going without O2 for too long. It only takes a couple of minutes.

I am so grateful that Heavenly Father helped me, to help Kaidence tonight. I am grateful that my mind was clear. It was one of those times that I knew every second counted and that I didn't have time to waist. I have seen a lot of crazy stuff in the PICU but have never seen a child that color of deep blue gray and you could only watch it getting worse with every second (literally). After things settled down at the store the lady that saw me first with Kaidence told me that she couldn't see her face because I had her over my knee facing the ground but she could see how blue she was through her head of hair. That nasty grey blue color was a 100 times worse then when Kaidence was in heart failure. Tonight I go to bed counting my blessings and thinking that maybe I'll keep Kaidence's G-Tube forever....It's safer that way.

So what was the big project that warranted taking all the kiddos to the store???? Here it is.

SAYING GOODBYE

What do you say when you know that a family is getting ready to say goodbyes to their little girl?
I remember asking Mike while in the hospital with Kaidence "Do you think that Kaidence will be ok?" Now I know that many of you have heard this before, but I was really hoping to hear a definite 'yes' from my husband. What he said to me at first made me angry for about a minute and then in that moment my whole way of thinking was changed forever. He said to me "No matter what happens, SHE will be ok. It is whether or not we will be." Like I said, I thought about what he said, day after day, after day. It was true, no matter what happened, Kaidence would be happy, loved and cared for. She would be more than ok. I also understood that it would possibly be better for her as well, because the suffering would be no more.

I have been following Gracie's blog since before her birth. Today as they say goodbye, they will be giving other children HOPE as they have chosen to donate some of Gracie's Organs, what an amazing thing to do. My heart breaks for the Gledhill family. I pray that today Gracie may be held and loved by her family until it is her time to return to the arms of her Loving Father in Heaven. I pray that the Lord will continue to hold this family up and give them the faith and strength to make it through this loss. May Gracie's brothers and sister feel the love that Heavenly Father has for ALL of his children. May they all be blessed this day with "the Faith of a Child," pure, perfect and simple. My thoughts and prayers are with this family today as they say goodbye for a brief moment in time. May they feel the love of Gracie and our Heavenly Father this day! Gracie YOUR family is FOREVER!