Thoughts.....

Well friends, it's another Sunday and I am home with Kaidence and Carden today while Mike took the boys. I hate not being at church together as a family. Something I really do miss (most of the time).  So today I sit home and listen to Paul Cardall's music.  My heart has been touched.  Lately (ok maybe the past 5 years) I have had so many thoughts going through my head.  Lately my thoughts seem so random.  One minute it's complete trust that Kaidence will get a new heart and then other days its the complete opposite.  We have now waited over what Cardiology thought the wait would be for a new heart for Kaidence.  I think the more time that passes these negative thoughts creep into my head.  It seems that a natural response to fear is preparing for different scenarios in regards to that fear.   As if we think of every possible thing that could happen from miraculous to devastation we will be prepared when it does happen and then the heartbreak won't be so traumatic.  I know it doesn't work that way but for some reason that is what I do.  Last time we waited for a heart, every night I went to bed I would plan her funeral in my mind.  Don't get me wrong, I was optimistic.  Ask any doctor there, they thought I was TOO optimistic about things.  But I had the right to HOPE and that is what I did.  However, night time has always been completely different.  When it's silent except for the beeping of hospital machines in the background.  My mind would wander. As it does these days. 

Most the time I do well keeping hope and faith in my heart.  I try not to question the "why" of all that is happening.  However, this last Friday we stopped in at the Creative Arts Dance Academy grand Re-opening.  We had been working in the yard all day and were not dressed appropriately (or clean for that matter).  This is were Kaidence takes dance on Wednesday. This is also that Dance Academy that put on the benefit concert for Miss K last December.  Last summer, this dance studio burn down.  I was so touched that they would do a fundraiser for OUR family when they were trying to rebuild their dance studio.  These are amazing people.  The new studio is beautiful, elegant and the feeling of beauty and peace within in the walls is marvelous.  I know it may sound funny talking this way about a dance studio but it is what it is.  The staff and girls are unique.  As Kaidence walked around the new building with her mask on she was greeted by so many sweet friends.  This is a place that has Kaidence written all over it.  I can feel it in my heart every time.  As she danced with some of the girls my heart was full and broken all at the same time.  As these sweet girls took her by her hand and danced with her I couldn't see the smile on her face because of her mask but I could see it in her eyes. At that same time it also seemed obvious to me for the first time in a while that my daughter was sick.  That her skin color looks pale and grey compared to other little girls, that she has a mask on her face, I could see a bump under her shirt from her feeding tube, her neck veins pulsing with each beat of her heart ....I could see that her heart is broken.  I have always been able to envision Kaidence dancing so gracefully as she grows into a young women but this day I questioned if it would ever happen.  From time to time I feel like life slaps me in my face and jolts me back to our reality.  To the places my mind wanders in the quiet of night.
So what do I do?  I try my best to move forward each day with HOPE and a prayer in this mommy's heart.  I try to count EVERY single blessing that we have been given.  I enjoy the time that I have all my kids together under one roof and thank my Heavenly Father for giving me that gift.
I have Faith that if and when the time is right, my little girl will get that new heart!