KAIDENCE'S BROKEN HEART = MOMMY'S BROKEN HEART!

This is a picture of Kaidence and her daddy after her procedure. She is still trying to come out of her sedation. Well, I am still feeling pretty down today. I must say that many of our family and friends maybe feel the frustration. I know our parents are struggling with it. Wow, we have worked so hard to keep Kaidence's heart healthy so that it will last a long time. Maybe I was also a little too proud of how perfect her new heart was for her and how flawlessly it has worked for Kaidence. I keep thinking that maybe this would not have happened if I had cancelled her appointment because of her cough. Maybe that was a sign to not do it. I don't know. I know that Kaidence's things in the past have all been part of the Lords plan for Kaidence and that was actually easier to accept than this. I guess I feel that this was just a mistake and that I walked into the hospital with Kaidence in better condition than when we left. Last time Kaidence left fixed and this time we can't fix her. Mommy's want to fix things. Ok, maybe part of me is a little selfish because I hate having one more thing to worry about with Kaidence. It seems that lately we have had a lot of "extra worries" like the ANC, possible cancer.......However, I still know that things could be so much worse and I keep that always in mind. I am praying that I can find some peace in this and that I won't be so mad. I don't like feeling this way. It is icky. I don't like having this anger. WE have come so far without these feeling and I know that it is Satan's way of getting to Mike and I. We won't let him. This little bump can't take precedence over all of our other miracles. That's is what he wants to have happen.

Anyhow, her echo today looked the same. We will keep watching and see what happens. Her next Heart Cath will be right before Christmas. Kaidence's Cardiologist said that the regurgitation will most likely get worse with the more heart cath's that are done. Unfortunately they will need to be done regardless. Hopefully her heart will hold up well with the others and we never have to open her chest again until she needs a new heart. That will be our goal. Her biopsy showed mild rejection, but the doctor thinks it is because she is only on the one immunosuppression until we can get her white count numbers fixed. We will hopefully start her cellecpt medication back up soon. That will help with the rejection. Please keep our family in your prayers, I need that overwhelming feeling of peace that I used to have in the PICU. I don't want to be angry, sad or depressed. We have to much still in our favor and I don't want to waste my precious time with my children and husband on stuff like this. I know that it is ok to be angry, however there comes a point that you have to take it for what it is and move on. Please pray that I can move on sooner than later. Whether this was in the Lords plan or not I know that he will continue to watch over Kaidence and make sure his plan still takes place. Sorry for the long post but it felt good to talk.