Friday, March 19, 2010


Well it seems as though I cannot hide much longer. I am here to announce that we will have a new addition to our family this October. OK, I always deliver a month early so most likely this September. We are excited, terrified and thankful all in the same breath.

The kids are very excited and I think that this will be such a great thing for Camden to see what it is like to have a healthy little baby in the family and great for Kaidence in so many ways as it will help to pull that attention away from her in a healthy, normal way. After all, we want her to be a normal and well rounded kiddo. McCaden is pretty excited as well, except for the dirty diaper thing.

This decision was one that we have contemplated for a couple of years. Mike and I always wanted more kids, but then Kaidence got sick. I remember sitting in her hospital room and telling him that he might as well get fixed because I WAS DONE!!!! How could I chance my heart on more heartbreak? We met with genetics last summer and no new info was given. They still have no hard evidence of exactly what happened with Kaidence, but they really think that the stomach virus was the causes of her heart failure and deep down we do as well, but I still find myself wondering if I did something wrong. They basically think it was all bad luck. We have always had issues with pregnancy losses in the past, however after everything we have seen with Kaidence and all the amazing families that we have met along the way we now have a different perspective than many others may. I guess the innocence of 'be the perfect, healthy mom during your pregnancy and you will deliver a perfect healthy baby' is no longer.

Could we handle another? What about the age gap if something happened to Kaidence? What about the times that we spend in the hospital, the boys are already use to life this way? What if we had another sick baby? Can I give everyone enough attention? What if I am on bed rest again, who would take K to cardiology? What if we delivered another preemie like McCaden? On and on this went. We could see so much good and happiness, but we could also see all the "what if''s".

Needless to say, Mike and I did what we have learned to do with many other important things. We prayed and turned it over to the Lord. He knew what was meant for our family and he knew that we would be accepting either way. Nothing happened for a long time, in fact we just figured that was our answer and that was that. Then one stressful morning with Kaidence at the hospital we found out. It was the morning if you all remember that her heart stent disappeared from her LPA and they were worried about needing to do open heart surgery that day. I was sick with walking pneumonia, bought a test from the hospital pharmacy (great tests btw and inexpensive too) and took it. I knew that I needed medications and that there was an unlikely but possible chance I could be pregnant. I was shocked to see that I indeed was. I was excited, but guarded. My fear and worry at that moment was on Kaidence and this possible surgery.

Things with K worked out and the reality of the pregnancy was setting in but then I started have possible miscarriage signs. I thought for sure that this was the case, after all I had McCaden (2 miscarriages) Camden (3 Miscarriages) and then Kaidence. We went in and checked the baby and the tech thought the baby was behind in growth and that the heart rate was low so we rescheduled another appointment 2 weeks later. At that appointment I was searching for the little heart beat flutter I think before the tech was and I found it. I could also tell that the baby was much bigger than the last time. Its heart rate at 8 weeks 6 days was 179. I said a silent pray and thanked Heavenly Father for this gift.

We know that Heavenly Father has a plan for our family and each person in it. We will do our best, make the best choices that we can and walk forward in faith, happiness and gratitude for this gift we have been given. I cant help but feel that it is somewhat symbolic. Part of me feels that it is a bit of closer to everything and HOPE for the future. Our family is moving forward. Yes, life is still full of the 'what if''s' and always will be. But I guess that without the 'what if''s' we would not be thankful for the good of the 'what is'.

So there you have it because like I said it is becoming obvious. Baby #4 is due October 13th and we cant wait!

***** Kaidence is doing well. She is still on antibiotics from aspiration pneumonia. She aspirated while drinking her milk and watching "The Little Mermaid".....go figure. We spent last Sunday in the ER with her. Her labs are looking better and she seems to feel fine. Thanks to those who were wondering.