Sunday, May 6, 2012

Thoughts.....

Well friends, it's another Sunday and I am home with Kaidence and Carden today while Mike took the boys. I hate not being at church together as a family. Something I really do miss (most of the time).  So today I sit home and listen to Paul Cardall's music.  My heart has been touched.  Lately (ok maybe the past 5 years) I have had so many thoughts going through my head.  Lately my thoughts seem so random.  One minute it's complete trust that Kaidence will get a new heart and then other days its the complete opposite.  We have now waited over what Cardiology thought the wait would be for a new heart for Kaidence.  I think the more time that passes these negative thoughts creep into my head.  It seems that a natural response to fear is preparing for different scenarios in regards to that fear.   As if we think of every possible thing that could happen from miraculous to devastation we will be prepared when it does happen and then the heartbreak won't be so traumatic.  I know it doesn't work that way but for some reason that is what I do.  Last time we waited for a heart, every night I went to bed I would plan her funeral in my mind.  Don't get me wrong, I was optimistic.  Ask any doctor there, they thought I was TOO optimistic about things.  But I had the right to HOPE and that is what I did.  However, night time has always been completely different.  When it's silent except for the beeping of hospital machines in the background.  My mind would wander. As it does these days. 

Most the time I do well keeping hope and faith in my heart.  I try not to question the "why" of all that is happening.  However, this last Friday we stopped in at the Creative Arts Dance Academy grand Re-opening.  We had been working in the yard all day and were not dressed appropriately (or clean for that matter).  This is were Kaidence takes dance on Wednesday. This is also that Dance Academy that put on the benefit concert for Miss K last December.  Last summer, this dance studio burn down.  I was so touched that they would do a fundraiser for OUR family when they were trying to rebuild their dance studio.  These are amazing people.  The new studio is beautiful, elegant and the feeling of beauty and peace within in the walls is marvelous.  I know it may sound funny talking this way about a dance studio but it is what it is.  The staff and girls are unique.  As Kaidence walked around the new building with her mask on she was greeted by so many sweet friends.  This is a place that has Kaidence written all over it.  I can feel it in my heart every time.  As she danced with some of the girls my heart was full and broken all at the same time.  As these sweet girls took her by her hand and danced with her I couldn't see the smile on her face because of her mask but I could see it in her eyes. At that same time it also seemed obvious to me for the first time in a while that my daughter was sick.  That her skin color looks pale and grey compared to other little girls, that she has a mask on her face, I could see a bump under her shirt from her feeding tube, her neck veins pulsing with each beat of her heart ....I could see that her heart is broken.  I have always been able to envision Kaidence dancing so gracefully as she grows into a young women but this day I questioned if it would ever happen.  From time to time I feel like life slaps me in my face and jolts me back to our reality.  To the places my mind wanders in the quiet of night.
So what do I do?  I try my best to move forward each day with HOPE and a prayer in this mommy's heart.  I try to count EVERY single blessing that we have been given.  I enjoy the time that I have all my kids together under one roof and thank my Heavenly Father for giving me that gift.
I have Faith that if and when the time is right, my little girl will get that new heart!

11 comments:

Summer said...

Love you guys!!! Praying for your comfort this day!!!

Stacy said...

Beautiful tender thoughts. Our prayers are with you!

cici said...

I understand your feelings exactly. Nighttime thoughts are the worst! Sleep is virtually impossible when that happens.
I will be Praying that your Prayers are answered very soon.
Hug for Kaidence.:)

Andrea Holley said...

I pray every day that you will have peace, hope, and comfort!

Sunshine Promises said...

Tears, hugs and prayers for you. You just don't understand until you've been there. And - even then - it boggles your mind.
We have experienced both scenarios. A daughter that was critically ill who - despite all odds - overcame her prolonged illness and is a happy, healthy little girl. And then a child who was in perfect health who - with no warning - simply passed away. Either way, there is anguish. The first, because you agonize about the "what if's" so much that the dread of what could be makes you sick. And the second, because the shock and disbelief violently kicks you in the stomach when there is no preparation for their loss.
But it comes down to this. Whatever will be, will be. You are giving K all that she needs in this life, be it dance lessons, cuddles, words of adoration or prayers. Whatever her mission, she WILL fulfill it. In its entirety.
And you WILL survive. No. Matter. What.

Debbie said...

Shuntelle, you have such a beautiful spirit and I am so touched by the things that you write. Unless we have walked in similar shoes most of us can't comprehend what you and your family must go through. Kaidence's ordeal has been a gift to all of us. She is truly a special little spirit and Heavenly Father knew that she could handle this and He also know that you an Mike were the perfect parents to help to do this. Lives are touched every day by your story and hearts are lifted and spirits are strengthened because of this amazing journey that you are on.
You are in my thoughts and prayers always and I know that your lives will continue to be blessed. What a beautiful picture to capture in your mind as you watched Kaidence dancing around with all of these amazing girls that have been part of her life, as they have brought her so much happiness through dance. Her little spirit is always dancing to new heights as she continues to grow and develop into a beautiful daughter of God. Some miracles take time and it is through that waiting that we grow and develop more spiritually. God knows her the best and in time she will get the miracle that God wants her to have. Until then enjoy every breathing moment that you have as a family. Love, hugs and prayers to you all. Aunt Deb

likeschocolate said...

You are constantly in our thoughts and prayers. Hoping and praying a heart will come soon.

Alayna Williamson said...

Thinking and praying for you all!
- Alayna
P.S. I agree! Night time with my thoughts is the worst!!!

Alysia said...

Just was checking in and am so sad to read about what's been going on and about your rough night. You are an amazing family With incredible faith, and we, as well as many others,will keep you in our thoughts and prayers.

Ashlie said...

Shauntel- You are in my thoughts daily! I hope she gets her new heart soon. I do have to say that your post helped me, it is good to know that I am not the only one who thinks that way sometimes. These sweet little kids that have to go through so much and are here on borrowed time as well are just so amazing. You are such an example to me and we will keep praying for you and Kaidence!

Love,
Ashlie & George

I think it was Henry Eyring that said "The Lord does not give you trials to see if you can endure them, he gives you trials to see if you endure them well." the Lord knows that we can handle our trials but we can decide how well we will endure them. Just a thought that keeps me going.

Turning This Into That! said...

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