Sunday, November 11, 2007

TOUGH CHOICES!

Mike and I continue to think about whether or not we re-list Kaidence for a heart right away or if we wait and give her own heart a chance to recover. The cardiologist wants us to re-list right away because she is afraid that Kaidence will not get a heart before complications arise from being on the Berlin Heart. I on the other hand wanted to wait and give her a reasonable chance to recover. We don't know what to do for Kaidence. Maybe she needs another blessing, I don't know but I know that I have a very heavy weight upon my shoulders at the moment. I don't want to chance complications, but I also don't want to get rid of her heart if it can heal. We need some very power inspiration at the moment and we need it fast.

She has done wonderful the past few days. She was weened off the ventilator for about 1 hour and then suddenly her oxygen started dropping. In the xray the lungs look a little wet so they have had to put her back on the ventilator and bump the oxygen up to 100%. That is the most help she has needed breathing the past 4 months. Maybe the Lord is trying to tell us to slow down and wait. I don't know that they would transplant her at the moment with her lungs needing so much help. It is hard to feel like I am Kaidence's mom anymore because I am always in the way here and I never get a minute alone with her. I feel absolutely helpless.

The boys are tired of everything. They want everything back to normal and I can't blame them. I feel an extreme amount of guilt either way I do things. Whether I am home or at the hospital.

9 comments:

Dixie said...

Read your post today and we are with you in spirit. Dixie and I just watched the newstory about Kaidence, what an amazing blessing to live in such a time. The doctors are truly talented and guided. Put you faith in thier abilities and lean on the Lord a little harder today. The tough choices are always the hardest ones. However, they will be the ones that shape your life from this moment on. Trust in yourself and the wisdom you have had so far to get her the help she has needed so far. Let the Holy Spirit guide your decision and trust him to help your troubled heart. Know that our whole family has been affected by your troubles and triuphms. We love your little family and will rejoice in any kind of "normal" you can find. Chin Up and Press on. Love Gen and Dixie

Caroline, Alan, and Abby said...

Have faith...you will be guided to do the right thing....

Ryan and Brenda said...

Shauntelle - God has given mothers a very powerful gift called INTUITION. Do not let those doctors tell you what is best for your baby, only you know what is best for her. At the end of the day YOU are her mommy! You followed your intuition when you knew something was first wrong with her and the doctors did not see it so if you were right then you will be right now.

Debbie said...

Shauntelle and Mike, Always remember that you are the parent and Heavenly Father trusted you with these 3 beautiful spirits. He knows of the burden that you carry at this time. And also trust your decission. As you continue to rely on the Lord and the Holy Ghost you will be prompted as to what you need to do. I wish that I could lift your burden and come and give you a break. May your spirits be lifted and filled with God's love.
Give your burden to him and let him carry you through. He is always by your side. Love, Aunt Deb

Brynn said...

oooohhhhh! I have felt the struggle of being away from your babies either way. I used to bawl on the way to the hospital and on the way home... It sucks... I am sorry that you have to feel this way. I sometimes wondered if this was how Jeff felt everyday he went to work.. I don't know what to do to help.. But, I'll give you a great big hug on Tuesday...we have to have days like these so we can have better days, right?

Wendy said...

Wish I could help with your decisions, your pain, your guilt. My love and prayers continue to be with you all. Love, Wendy

Spencer and Becky Wertz said...

Keep your faith and know that the Lord will direct you in your decision. And remember you may not feel like Kaidence's mom but she knows you arethere and loves you very much. You provide much needed strength for her and the boys.

Jenn said...

I can't wait to come see you guys. We'll be there tomorrow and if it will help at all I'll bring your boys in afterschool to spend the day 'at the hospital.' We can go to the playroom, Joy's office, whatever will help so you guys can be close. I'll call you on our way in. We love you and are always impressed by your strength and inspiration you've had. We know that you have had to think lots of not 'normal' mom thoughts, but you have done the best job advocating for Kaidence. You have stood by her and made the best decisions all along the way. We know that you and Mike, with help from the Lord will make the very best choice. Stay tough, and know how much we love you, and miss you.

Denise said...

Shauntelle and Mike-

Dad and I have so much respect for you and trust in your decisions. We trust that you'll KNOW and UNDERSTAND what needs to take place when the time is right.

We KNOW he will direct thy path as he has in the past. We KNOW this is in the Lord's hands and he continues to watch over his choice daughter.

Stay strong....We love you.

Mom and Dad Maddock